


the waves come up over my head, but you are there to pull me out

by very_tired



Series: together we are the ocean [3]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Age Regression/De-Aging, Ambiguous/Open Ending, But not sad either, Canon Compliant, I swear, I'm Sorry, I'm gonna turn this into a series, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sad Bang Chan, Suicidal Ideation, Suicidal Thoughts, Sweet Lee Felix (Stray Kids), again it is 100 percent non sexual, chan uses age regression as a coping mechanism, changbin is chan's papa, half the boys are only refrenced, no beta we die like men, not necesarily a happy ending, oh no i forgot, the age regression in this story is 100 percent non sexual
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-26
Updated: 2020-10-26
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:22:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,002
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27205174
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/very_tired/pseuds/very_tired
Summary: In which Chan struggles, but his members are there to show him that he's worth the world.PLEASE READ TAGS- I'll give more specific TW's in the notes.
Relationships: Bang Chan/Everyone, Bang Chan/Lee Felix, Bang Chan/Seo Changbin, Bang Chan/Yang Jeongin | I.N
Series: together we are the ocean [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1986107
Comments: 10
Kudos: 172





	the waves come up over my head, but you are there to pull me out

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Christmas in the Summer](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14827742) by [cuttothequickk](https://archiveofourown.org/users/cuttothequickk/pseuds/cuttothequickk). 



> Hello everyone who may stumble upon this fic, 
> 
> I hope this finds you safe, healthy, and happy. This is my first ever fanfic (that I'm posting anyways) and I hope it brings you whatever you need when you choose to read it. Please excuse any and all spelling mistakes you find, I am terrible with spelling. That being said, this is a heavy fic. 
> 
> This fic deals with suicidal ideation, graphic descriptions of such ideation, implied past abuse, PTSD from said implied abuse, flashbacks, references to some seriously screwed up parenting/influence, and heavy themes of apathy. IF ANY OF THINGS TRIGGER YOU, please keep yourself safe and click off of this fic. If there are any other trigger warnings I should add, let me know in the comments. 
> 
> Also in this fic, Chan uses age regression as a coping mechanism for his trauma, and it is in NO WAY AT ALL sexual/associated with k!nk. 
> 
> When writing this, I tried to keep this as far away from romanticizing Chan's mental health as possible, and tried to make it clear that age regression is not considered the only way Chan should have coped with his breakdown/thoughts. It was an immediate response to the resurgence of his trauma, but not a stand alone/long term solution to his issues. He knows this, and recognizes it. 
> 
> I am planning on continuing this series, with fics centering around each of the members, as well a prequel about how Chan broke the news of his regression and mental health with the group/ his backstory. With that being said, in this fic, only Chan, Felix, Jeongin, and Changbin are really focused on, where all the other members are only mentioned. I didn't forget about them, I promise. 
> 
> This work is also inspired by the lovely writing of cuttothequick here on A03, who's series Shattered Glass Mosaics touched my soul in ways I wasn't even looking for.
> 
> Now that I've rambled, please enjoy this work which I have put quite a bit of myself into.

Somewhere in Chan’s fucked up head, he knew he was being unreasonable. His boys, he knew logically, probably still loved him. Honestly, if he were to look back at the seemingly gentle way they had treated him this last week, gentle like he would break any minute, he would have known they loved him. The problem, though, was that Chan’s brain was being unreasonable.

His usually bleeding heart, overflowing with love for the boys he was lucky enough to call his, seemed to be missing from his chest. There was no other explanation for the emptiness in his soul, the absence of feeling, of anything at all. Chan was nothing but a character in someone else’s video game, with no thoughts or feelings of his own, just going through the motions. 

_ No one would miss you _ . 

The cavity in his chest must have been deep enough to release the devil trapped there. Large enough for it to wiggle free from where Chan had tucked it away last time to whisper in his ear. 

_ No one would care if you just stepped off the curb- _

The devil sounded like a ghost.

Chan knew he should call someone. He knew that this wasn’t safe. He knew that he probably shouldn’t be alone right now, but the thoughts seemed far away, shrouded in fog, like he’d have to dig to really hear them. 

_ Your blood would be so pretty. _

Chan didn’t really want his death to be on every news channel tonight. He could make it home.

\---

Chan’s boots crunched on the gravel path leading through the lawn and up to the front steps of the dorm he shared with 7 other young men, all younger than him, none of whom should be home right now.

_ Go to the bathroom and lock the door and dismantle a razor and draw a bath no one’s home no one would care- _

“Channie-hyung?” That was someone’s voice, Chan knew, but he couldn’t focus enough to figure out who’s. He did know that whoever’s voice it was wasn’t supposed to be here right now. 

“You’re not supposed to be here.” Chan’s mouth felt dry, like he needed water. He saw his feet start walking to the kitchen.

“My vocal lessons ended early.” Must be Jeongin’s voice then. 

“Hmm.” He grabs a class from the cabinet by the fridge before filling it in the sink and chugging it down. Suddenly, there was a touch on his shoulder.

He didn’t hear the person coming, which was honestly unsurprising in this state, where everything was grey and shrouded by fog, but his body reacted on instinct, tensing up and dropping the glass onto the floor, where it lay in sharp, dangerous shards at his feet. 

“Oh shit, I didn’t realize you were so jumpy today hyung, I’ll just grab the broom real quick-”

All Chan could think is that it would be so easy to just pick a piece up and take it and  _ dig it into his wrists don’t sweep it up yet I need to take it to the bathroom and lock the door just go- _

_ “ _ It’s ok Innie, hyung’ll clean it up. You go relax, ok?” Chan hoped his smile was real enough.

“I think I’m gonna stay here with you hyung, at least ‘till someone else comes home.” Maybe it wasn’t. 

“Do you love me?” Perhaps it was a desperate last ditch-effort by his brain, but before Chan could stop it the words ripped themselves out of his throat and filled the space between them.

“Oh, hyung,” apparently Chan was crying because Jeongin reached across the distance between them, over the barrier of glass shards at their feet, to swipe his thumbs over Chan’s cheekbones and under his eyes. “Of course I love you.”

“Then why do I wanna die, Innie, I’m so scared I wanna hurt myself- Innie,” Chan gasped. 

_ Get over yourself and man up. _

Chan knew he was shaking, sinking to the floor, probably onto the glass below.

“No, no, hey you gotta stay standing up Channie there’s glass-”

_ Just fucking die already. You want to. _

“FELIX-”

“-got the broom.”

“He says he wants to die Felix-”

“I got ‘im Innie, throw out the glass and go call the rest to see if they can come home early-”

_ Stop breathing. _

“Hey Chris, can you breathe for me? Please?”

“I’m gonna touch you ok? There you go, breathe with me. Feel it?”

He did.

_ They don’t really care why would he want you to breathe at all- _

But he screamed anyway.

- \--

When Chan faded back into focus- still apathetic, disturbed, shaking- Felix was straddling his hips on the linoleum of the kitchen, one of Chan’s wrists in each hand. They were both rocking back and forth. The light that was trickling through the gauzy curtains of the kitchen window was still bright, which Chan thought was a good sign.

“How- “ He took a breath. “How long?”

“About half and hour baby.” Felix dropped Chan’s wrists to rearrange himself to card through Chan’s natural curls with one hand and interlace their fingers with the other.

“The boys will be back soon, so you can see them if you want. If not, they can cuddle anyways.” Felix felt a squeeze of his hand.

“Is Innie ok? I didn’t mean to scare him.” Chan still felt the cavern in his chest, but it seemed to be a little smaller than earlier. Maybe it was shrinking again. Maybe it would close. He was still trembling though.

“He’s ok, just worried Chrissy-hon.” Never hyung, not like this, when Chan needed a reminder that even as the oldest he could still be vulnerable, that he could be everything he needed to be, when he needed a reminder of where he came from. “Can you tell me what the trigger was?”

“Don know Lixie. Just felt really empty and like it wouldn’t matter if I died so I should, n’ then I was ‘memberin ‘gain.”

“Remembering what baby? Can you tell me before you drop all the way?” Felix felt his heart clench with adoration for the man below him, beautiful in his own right even after a breakdown, stronger than almost anyone else he’d ever met, who was putting so much trust in him just by existing here in this moment.

“Jus’ things he said ‘bout me n’ how he yelled because’ my head was bein’ too loud Lixie, n’ he used to say the same stuffs.” Chan dropped Felix’s hand and brought his hand up in a fist below his chin to rub his thumb against his bottom lip, then tucked his head under Felix’s chin, forehead to chest. 

Felix dropped the hand that was playing with Chan’s hair to rub his back up and down soothingly. “Thank you for telling me baby, you’re such a brave boy. Do you think you can come take a bath and get into your jammies?”

“No baf please Lixie. Just jammies an’ bear.” The voice that came from Felix’s chest was so much smaller than it had been earlier, so much more trusting, so much more vulnerable. Not that any of the boys would ever take advantage of that vulnerability, but it always made Felix’s heart skip a beat. 

“Thank you for telling me what you needed buggy, do you wanna see the other boys after we get you into jammies? I’m sure they’ll be happy to see you.” Felix disentangled their bodies enough so that he could help Chan to his feet with a strong grip on his hand to begin walking down the hallway.

“Wanna see Papa,” the boy breathed out, before sliding his thumb into his mouth and suckling gently. Felix took note, their baby was really small tonight. “‘nd Inin- ‘yungie,” Chan added.

“We can do that bubba. Let’s get you changed, huh?”

\---

The living room was tensely quiet when Felix entered, Chan in tow, the baby holding his bear in one hand and Felix’s hand in the other, onesie buttoned up over a diaper and paci in his mouth, the other six members were splayed out on the floor and couches, some cuddling and others processing on their own, with the TV letting out the gentle hum of a drama on low volume to help fill the silence. 

“Inin- ‘yungie.”

It was almost comical how quickly the room came back to life. 

“Hey baby! You’re small tonight aren't cha?” Jeongin asked, opening his arms wide to pull the teetering baby into his arms in a strong hug.

Chan giggled, high and joyous in the back of his throat, before humming in response. “Didn’t mean to scare ‘yungie, just felt bad. Don’ want ‘yungie to feel bad, sorry.” He patted Jeongin’s head twice, clumsily, before giving him a sloppy kiss on the cheek. 

“Aww baby, you’re so sweet! I’m ok, I’m just sorry you felt bad today. Feeling bad’s no fun huh sweetheart?” Jeongin pulled an exaggerated sad face just to see him giggle.

“No fun,” Chan agreed, still giggling because his hyungie was just so silly. “No more hug please, gotta go to Papa.”

“Alright baby, I’ll let you go cuddle your Papa.” Only a couple of seconds after letting the baby free, though, did he topple over on the carpeted flooring, motor skills matching his headspace.

Changbin, who had been patiently waiting for his baby on the couch but had seen this coming from a mile away, quickly rushed the three steps to where Chan was still on his knees, lower lip wobbling. Bracing himself, he heaved his baby onto his hip.

“That scared my angel didn’t it? That’s ok, you’re just my tiny baby.”

“Tiny baby,” Chan repeated adorably. “Baba p’ease Papa?”

“Yeah angel, we’ll get you a bottle. Minnie? Can you grab Channie’s bear? He dropped it near your head. And Felix, could you go make him a bottle?”

\---

The next morning, Chan wakes up warm and held, not quite back to normal but feeling cared for anyways. Underneath him, Changbin is already awake- eyes half-lidded and a small smile on his face.

“Mornin’ Hyung. Feelin’ better?”

“Yeah, not a hundred percent, but better.” Chan knows he’s blushing. “I’m gonna go get changed.”

“Mhmm. Meet me in the kitchen when you’re done. I’ll put the coffee on.”

\---

True to his word, Changbin had coffee brewed by the time Chan tiredly stumbled back down the halfway from his bedroom to the kitchen. In fact, there was already a full mug sitting on the counter for him.

“I know we’re going to talk about this as a group later today, but I wanna make sure you’re okay with what I’m gonna say.”

Chan blew on the steaming mug between his hands before humming out a response and vaguely gesturing for Changbin to continue.

“What happened yesterday was scary as shit. For all of us. We all know it’s not your fault and that you’re working on it. It’s not like you’re just fucking around hoping this shit’ll go away. We know this.” He took a long sip of his coffee.  “But you weren’t gonna call us. And if you can’t trust yourself to call one of us, we’re gonna have to institute a rule about having facetime check-ins every couple of hours if schedules have you alone. Because goddamn it hyung, I don’t know how we’d move on without you.” His voice was wet and choked with tears, and the morning sunlight bounced off the extra shine in his eyes even as he poignantly stared at the ceiling. “Hey, Binnie, Listen to me ok? I like that idea about the video chats ok? And I am not leaving you guys. Understand? You aren’t getting rid of me.” Chan set his mug down on the countertop that, now that he looks at it, really needs to get cleaned, to open his arms for a hug. And as he held his dongsaeng (who was NOT crying, thank you very much) to his chest, he swore that next time he’d call.

**Author's Note:**

> Please leave comments and Kudos!! I'd love to hear what you thought about this!!


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